Back on Instagram

A few weeks ago I made an Instagram account that was deleted by them after two, or three, days. Somehow, I violated the terms and conditions, but it wasn’t explained as to what I did to warrant the termination. I had emailed them stating I felt it was a mistake and let them know I had done nothing wrong. I still haven’t heard back from them. I was beyond agitated. I was done with them all together at that point, but I felt I should try it out one more time. It was my past experiences with the app that helped me with weight loss, become more mindful of my mental health, and helped me to stay accountable. If it wasn’t for those reasons I would have definitely given up.

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Credit: Mink Mingle

What I can say is, so far, so good. I’ve already ‘met’ a few people and have witnessed many inspiring personalities. I feel this will be helpful to my lifestyle changes. As long as I stay focused, that is. I have a tendency of focusing on one particular thing, then lose track of what I was previously working on. I’m awful at multitasking in my life, basically.

That’s all I have for now. Due to my anxiety attacks last night and lovely insomnia, I barely slept. I’m at work feeling like I am going to slam my face on the keyboard at any second. The last thing I need is to potentially break my nose and have keyboard keys embedded in my face.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I’m still going at it with this depression nonsense. I stopped taking my pills for a few weeks because they made me gain 20+ lbs in 6+ months. The pills are so strong and if I don’t eat enough (enough meaning a whole-fucking-lot) I feel sick to the point of throwing up (I threw up twice this weekend due to not eating “enough”). Being without my meds altered my mood drastically. My boyfriend convinced me to try taking half a pill, that way I can have something rather than nothing. I thought I would be fine for a while without them, but it didn’t take long for me to feel all the anxiety and dark clouds rushing back.

I’ve been back on the meds for a few days and even though I need to up my food intake (there goes my jeans), my mood has also improved again (which is a total plus), but I don’t want this making me gain more weight.

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Credit: rawpixel

People ask me, “Why don’t you just change your medication?” or they say, “You should change up medications to see what works for you.” The thing is I’ve done that before. Not only do I hate feeling like a fucking guinea pig, but last time I changed up medications to “see what works for me” I ended up with worse depression and it gave me a new symptom (paranoia; that was fun) that only made my thoughts darker than I thought possible.

Meds are no fucking joke.

They are scary to me.

The options I can see are: I keep taking the meds that really help me feel better emotionally and mentally, go to the gym and try maintaining the weight as this point, since losing it will be difficult as hell, or switch up medication and run the risk of having it fuck me up mentally and emotionally like it did before. The way I look at it is I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

It’s just fucking frustrating, I feel so stuck. Why can’t things ever be simple?