New Year, Improving Me

It has been all over twitter, in my text messages, even my family members began to ask the question probed at the end of the year and into the new: What is your New Year’s Resolution(s)?

On and off for years, I would make a list or have one specific goal in mind. I would stick with it for a good portion of the year, while other times I would last two weeks before admitting defeat. I feel like there’s always this pressure to do something different or change in some way and if you don’t succeed then there goes the opportunity. “Better luck next year!” is the phrase I would tell myself and then attempt to start fresh the following January 1st.

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Photo Credit: Zac Durant

For some, it’s simple to stick to their list/goals because they’re determined to see things through. But for someone like myself, I lose momentum as quickly as it’s gained. Perhaps it has something to do with my issues relating to my depression and anxiety? I have no idea, but I intend to find out while working with my new therapist.

In the meantime, I know there are some aspects in my life I need to repair in order to better myself. Rather than making some list/goals I know I won’t complete, I figure I can do one thing that doesn’t guarantee defeat. I can just try.

This isn’t a ‘New Year, New Me’ post. It always turns out being ‘New Year, Same Me’. It’s time to make small baby steps to ease into necessary improvements without the insane pressures of needing to do something drastic.

This year I am doing something I haven’t done and I’m optimistic that this will be helpful. ‘New Year, Improving Me. Gradually.’ I’m just going to take my time and go at the pace I’m comfortable with.

I have to stay in my lane.

This is the year to get reacquainted with oneself.

Here I am.

Trying.

Rollercoaster of Bullshit

Right now I am feeling everything and nothing. From rage to total detachment; I have no idea what I’m feeling or not. The confusion I experience with this is suffocating me tighter than if a snake was wrapping itself around my neck, squeezing until the lights go out. It sounds ridiculous, right? Now, imagine going through this on a regular basis- I mean, really, how does someone not know how they are feeling? What kind of mind fuckery is that?

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Credit: Akira Hojo

I am over all this up and down, rollercoaster of emotion bullshit, but these were the cards I was dealt and now I have to fucking deal with it.

There is no such thing as “normal”, I’m aware of that, yet it is something I crave. I want to be able to wake up and have an understanding for why it is I feel the way I feel. I want to be able to do something I love without being weighed down by the mass of dismay that keeps me shackled to a bed. I want to have a real reason for the darkness.

I hate this goddamn depression and all the additional problems that arise with it. To end this dismal post, I don’t believe in suicide. (note: no need to worry about me on that front). It’s not the answer for me, and it will never be, but I fucking understand it.

 

**If you need help, or if someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Lines are open 24 hours, every day, for free and confidential help.**

Cutting Corners Doesn’t Work

Not only did I cave with smoking cigarettes to the point I was on the verge of buying two packs a week, but my drinking had increased significantly, too. It’s annoying as hell because I know for a fact that a cigarette and a drink are just a quick fix to bigger issues and there are healthier ways to manage stress/depression/anxiety, so why do I continue to go back to the things that only hurt me in the long run?

I could dive in to the innumerable amount of information around the web, or in the books, and post a research paper on why, but I am going to keep this blunt: I am either too lazy or too mentally weak to continue in the effort to push through to do things in a healthier manner.

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Source: Jordan Whitfield

It gets to a point where I am sick and tired of all the work and I want my results when I want them with no more waiting. Truth of the matter is things don’t work that way. I know that from my own experiences and witnessing it happen with other people that I know.

I cannot continue to make these shameful excuses to help me sleep at night while I’m cutting corners. That being said, I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 48 hours, same with booze. I’m not perfect but as long as I make the effort I should be fine.

If you want something done correctly it takes time to do it right. It doesn’t matter if you’re building a house, becoming a doctor, working on your mental health, trying to lose weight or build muscle; things take time if you want it done correctly.

I need to learn more patience because all this haste is setting me back. Starting all over again, time after time, is worse than making gradual improvements, but that’s just me and those are my thoughts.

 

No Point to This

I haven’t been sleeping well (thanks insomnia), I had to put together games, make gifts by hand (glue guns are the devil) and make gift bags for a friend’s bridal shower. On top of that work has been complete shit, depression has been beating me down and that’s not including the migraines I’ve been experiencing.

I’m so mentally exhausted right now, it’s such a bitch and I feel like I’m going to explode on people soon. I feel my temper becoming so short and as much as I try to tame it, it feels as if I’m losing my grip on the reins.

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Credit: Cristian Newman

All this bullshit has not only kept me from writing and reading (I’ve been way too exhausted for the two things that really help ease my mind), but it’s making me resent everything and everyone in my life right now. I am getting pulled in different directions and I can’t catch my breath. On top of that I am always doing something for others, but when I need to think of myself and what’s best for me I somehow become the bad guy. I guess the saying is correct, if you give an inch, they’ll take a mile.

I’ve said it before and probably even wrote it somewhere around here, its okay to say ‘no’, I just can’t seem to take my own advice.

 

Anyway, I’m rambling/venting at this point. There’s no real point to this post. I simply needed to get this off my chest before I scream at work.

 

Day 4: Cigarette Free

It has been four days since I’ve had a cigarette. The rougher parts are passing, hopefully. As expected, I’m still craving them and I’m more irritable than usual. I’m feeling myself becoming more secluded so I can avoid releasing all this aggression onto someone who doesn’t deserve it. Just because I’m not letting the chemical doused tobacco destroy my lungs anymore doesn’t give me the right to be an asshole. I will say this; I forgot how much of a challenge it is not having the crutch of a cigarette when things are difficult to deal with.

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Credit: Luther Bottrill

I have to stick to the positives. My breathing feels a hell of a lot better. I don’t feel like I have additional weight on my chest and I haven’t been randomly coughing. No longer having the disgusting cigarette smell on my fingers and clothes are a huge bonus.

I really can’t pick this habit back up, again. I say it every few years, but I need to make the effort to stick to it this time around. The statistics are there, the horror stories are there, the death count is there, the personal problems I’ve encountered from smoking were clearly there to sway me from ever picking one up again.

…stupid addictions…

On Full Display

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I have no bed sheets on my mattress. Clean and dirty clothes are scattered throughout my bedroom. It feels like I haven’t slept in days. After ten minutes of cleaning, I had to stop. The mental exhaustion was setting in. It was 9:50AM when I finished the three fingers of pinot Grigio. Not even a cigarette helped to soothe me. Even the thought of taking a shower makes my body ache. The numbness is becoming all consuming. I feel like a scared, lonely child, sinking deeper into the darkness. All I want to do a sleep, but that’s only a quick fix. Now I just want to leave my house and disappear with nothing but the tank top on my back. This is my depression talking, it’s on full display. It thrives in turning me into this weak, little bitch, wallowing in random sorrow. I’ll fight it again, but for now I’ll take the L. I need to sleep. Even if it’s for an hour. I need some kind of relief.

When it wants

The blue skies abruptly changed to a sorrowful gray, mirroring the darkness that’s consuming me in this moment*. I’m fighting back the hot tears that are determined to escape me; I don’t want to show weakness in front of strangers on this train. Bad enough I can’t stand when eyes are on me at any time, if I start the waterworks there will definitely be some concerned glances or people who just want to pry to see what’s making me upset.

It’s frustrating because I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Life isn’t perfect and can be problematic at times,

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Credit: Alexander Lam

but it isn’t as awful as it could be. There have been incidents in my life that have been awful and I’m not experiencing those things now. That is something I should be thankful for, always. In my logical thoughts I know it’s only the stress and the depression that’s making things appear to be darker in my world, it’s just so hard to ignore such a dark cloud hovering above that doesn’t seem to be passing by anytime soon.

I’m not sure what else to say in this post. All I want to put out there are these feelings that come and go. I have my good days/weeks and my bad. My depression comes and goes whenever it wants. I truthfully don’t see a permanent fix, but there are ways to manage it. I just wish I could better manage it when it hits me out of no where. Depression is serious and unpredictable. It doesn’t matter where you are, what you’re doing or who you’re with. It creeps up when it wants.

* This happened at the end of the week last week. I’m just now finding the time to post it.