Reverting back does not prevail

Yesterday was a rough one for me. I hadn’t slept well the night prior and my mood was beyond foul. My depression had returned with a vengeance. On top of that, work was full of annoying, trivial issues that wouldn’t have gotten to me on a normal day but I was experiencing unnecessary anger. I tried to keep myself focused on positive thoughts to ease the irritation that continued to build.

As the day carried on I was craving a cigarette badly. I couldn’t stand that familiar feeling of hovering gloom; my skin felt like it was crawling. The desperation for relief was real and I was determined to get that cigarette to help calm me down.

I felt the same the rest of the day until I made my way home.

Credit: Ehimetalor Unuabona

I made a mental note as I drove by the bodega near my house that I could buy a loosey, since I only wanted one cigarette versus a pack. The downside was the price went up from $.50 to $1, per loosey. I was genuinely contemplating it.

Once I made it home and thought it over, I told myself to wait before walking to the bodega. I had cooking and cleaning to do, so with my mind made up, I opted to do those things before heading out. I was determined to get everything done in order to leave. That was the deal I made with myself.

After completing my tasks I immediately jumped into my workouts.

By the time I finished, I made my honey lavender tea and felt a hell of a lot better. It was the best I felt that entire day.

After taking my shower, I settled in and got into bed. It was then that I realized I never went out to get my cigarette. Instead of reverting back to my old habits of smoking to escape, I went along with my new, healthier methods and they prevailed.

I need to remember for future matters that just because I was feeling desperate to ease the frustration doesn’t mean I have to throw myself back into old practices. I am moving forward with healthier approaches that are clearly proving to be helpful. Why subject myself to going backward? That’s pretty thoughtless.

Today I can say I am almost two weeks cigarette free.

Oh, and I didn’t waste a dollar!


Buzzed Pillow Talk

We were both fairly buzzed as we lied in bed with our legs intertwined beneath the covers. We held hands and talked for a while, simply being happy, laughing and present with one another. Somehow we reached the topic of former lovers and past relationships. Paddy named off some of the females he was with, where it went wrong and he never shied away from his own mistakes that caused issues. (Another reason why I love that dork. He doesn’t make himself look like some perfect person. He knows he’s flawed and doesn’t hide it.) Some stories that were being shared were either hilarious or completely mind fucked me because I wasn’t expecting to hear how some situations unfolded.

(I wish I could share them here, but I didn’t ask him if I could discuss the encounters and/or horror stories on my site. I’ll ask him later and, if given permission, post the stories on a future post.)

Credit: Becca Tapert

That being said, after our discussion, I began to think of something and I would like some opinions. Because we were both buzzed, him more so than me, should I have stopped him from telling me such personal stories? It may not be a big deal to some, but what if there was a reason why those stories weren’t shared when he was completely sober? I may be overthinking it too much because overthinking/analyzing is what I do regularly, but I’m genuinely curious to know what others would have done or not done.


Smoking, again. I hate it.

This morning I stared at my cigarette in disgust. I could already smell the scent that was going to be stained on my fingers. Barely half of it was gone before I tossed it away. I stopped to ask myself why I was smoking, again. I guess my brain just wanted to play stupid.

It was around thirteen that I had my first cigarette. It was gross, yet still I continued. After finishing the first one I had no intention of doing it again. Then a few weeks passed. It was a rough week and when I smoked that gross chemical stick I noticed that it had made me feel better.

I smoked on and off throughout high school and college. I would stop for a few years in between because it gets expensive and the smell becomes a problem.

Credit: Patrick Brinksma

Lately things have been rough again and I found myself back at it. Buying packs and feeling like a fiend for another. People say, “go workout” or “find something else to do”. I have, and yet it still doesn’t feel like it helps that much.

Now it’s not just something to do when things are rough, it’s also a fucking addiction. I find myself smoking when I don’t even want one.

Truthfully, I have no idea on how I should end this post. All I want to say is that I feel like such an asshole for even picking the habit back up and now I’m kicking myself because I regret it. I’ll stop again, eventually. But how long until I go back? A year? Three? Five? Fuck.


Our Diet Bet

My boyfriend Paddy* and I have been complaining for a while about how we want to drop some pounds. We’re both overweight, me more than him, and we’re sick of living unhealthily. I’ve been doing what I can to be better, but if I’m being honest with myself I haven’t been putting in 100 percent. After some serious discussions, we have finally decided to put our words into action, together. To make it more of a fun experience and an interesting way to adopt healthier habits, and help make them stick, we opted to have a wager.

credit: Justyn Warner

After three months, the one who is closest to their personal goals first wins a cash prize and gets to choose the destination of our vacation. We still have to do our ‘before’ photos, take our measurements, have a weigh-in, then write out our goals. Once that’s all situated its game on.


All of my life I’ve been overweight. Sure I’ve had my moments where I would lose a significant amount of weight, but before I knew it the weight would pile back on. I was doing the work, yet I wasn’t being consistent with living a healthier lifestyle. I was only treating it as a temporary thing.

“I’ll do what I have to do now and eventually be able to incorporate x,y,z back into my diet.” Yes, I know, mistakes were made…

Sometimes people can incorporate things back into their lives and have the ability to control it. Due to having depression and anxiety, I am an emotional eater. I’m just someone that cannot incorporate junk back into my diet. It’s like an addiction, but with food. I need to keep the crap away.

I just love the fact I can do this lifestyle overhaul with my boyfriend and feel like I can stay consistent this time around. When we put our minds to something, we push each other to keep going. Living a healthier life is not only something we want, but something we need. It’s nice to have that non-judgmental support beside you blended with some playful competition. It feels so cliché to say, but he really is one of my best friends. I’m glad this is something else we can do to have fun together while improving ourselves in the process.

Side note: Making this post is something that will help us both remain accountable. If I don’t post an update about this in a while, someone please give me a swift kick to the butt to remind me to update you guys haha
* Paddy is not his actual name, it’s a nickname. He’s a fairly private guy, so I’m not going to put his name out there unless he wants me to.

When Eavesdropping Goes Wrong

I make it a point not to eavesdrop. Not only did my mother try to instill in me, “you need to mind your own business”, (even though she’s nosey AF), because it’s rude to listen in onto a conversation that has nothing to do with you, but you never know what you will hear. 

With that being said, a woman who works in my building was speaking on the phone incredibly loud and was clearly upset about something. I was trying to ignore her while I was in the back room heating up my breakfast because it has nothing to do with me. When I made it back to my desk I could hear her outside of my window. I barely lasted a minute before I was sucked in and listening to the one side of

Credit: Seth Doyle

the conversation.

In my gut I knew I should have just ignored it, but this time curiosity got the better of me.

“I don’t have the video!” she yelled into the phone.

My brain went wild.

A video? What kind of video? Is it a naughty one? What’s on this video that someone is upset about and possibly trying to track down?

“I don’t have the video! I don’t want to know what’s on the video! All I know is my daughter isn’t on this video!”


Cars began driving through the parking lot and I couldn’t hear much else of what was being said.

She went back inside and went to whatever suite she works in, leaving me sitting at my desk with thoughts swirling chaotically through my mind.

Now I have questions, but I don’t think I want to know the answers either.


Lifestyle Overhaul

When I was working out three to five times a week, eating better, drinking my gallon of water a day, I was feeling better than I had in a long time. It wasn’t only because I was losing weight, I physically felt better. The lethargic feeling wasn’t as pronounced and my knees weren’t as sore.  With the simplest form of moving around, I felt lighter.

Credit: Justyn Warner

Then I was hit with a mood drop.

My depression crept in like a predator scoping out their next meal after having starved for a while, then it went in for the kill. I lost the motivation and the appeal of being proactive regarding my ‘weight loss journey’. It caused me to become apathetic toward my goals and my health. I’ve been telling myself for the last of couple months that I should get myself into the gym and eating healthier, again, but I continued to wallow in my desolation. (Depression is a beast on its own and it can knock the strongest person right on their ass.)

I’ve decided that I am not calling this a weight loss journey anymore. This is a lifestyle overhaul. Health is not only important to my physical health, but from my own experience it had also helped improve my mental health.

Why did I discontinue something that had been so helpful before?

What I’ve asked myself and what helped me today is, do I want to allow this to continue having control over my life or do I want to take the reins back and get back on track? There comes a time when enough is enough.

I’ve finally hit that point.

This morning I drank a protein shake, started on my water, took my vitamins and I am already experiencing a positive change. Granted, I didn’t want to do it because I’m still experiencing some sort of the apathy, but I’m over feeling so defeated when I can actually do something about it.


“Write about something that happened when you were a child.”



It was the early hours of the morning. It might have been a Saturday. I don’t recall if the

(source: gettyimages)

loud pounding against our door had woken me, or if I was already awake. Next thing I knew I was sitting on the couch in the living room and a woman burst in, then began chasing my mothers’ boyfriend around the apartment. It had become an all out screaming match that was inching into a brawl. As much as I try I can’t recall was what being screamed between my mother and this woman while the boyfriend locked himself in the bathroom, but as an adult now I can only imagine the words that were exchanged.

I still remember sobbing, and the feeling of being terrified. The uncertainty of what was going to happen to us and the commotion unfolding was a lot for my six year old brain to process. What happened shortly after that is lost in the fog of my memories, but what I do remember next was the woman. This woman, who I viewed as a monster during this entire traumatic ordeal, approached me with a softness and kindness that I hadn’t expected. This monster was attempting to soothe me and calm me, reassure me that things were okay.

Afterward, the woman left. The coward left. And I was left there with yet another memory of an incident that should have never happened. It was another event in my young life that caused me to grow up too fast…