New Year, Improving Me

It has been all over twitter, in my text messages, even my family members began to ask the question probed at the end of the year and into the new: What is your New Year’s Resolution(s)?

On and off for years, I would make a list or have one specific goal in mind. I would stick with it for a good portion of the year, while other times I would last two weeks before admitting defeat. I feel like there’s always this pressure to do something different or change in some way and if you don’t succeed then there goes the opportunity. “Better luck next year!” is the phrase I would tell myself and then attempt to start fresh the following January 1st.

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Photo Credit: Zac Durant

For some, it’s simple to stick to their list/goals because they’re determined to see things through. But for someone like myself, I lose momentum as quickly as it’s gained. Perhaps it has something to do with my issues relating to my depression and anxiety? I have no idea, but I intend to find out while working with my new therapist.

In the meantime, I know there are some aspects in my life I need to repair in order to better myself. Rather than making some list/goals I know I won’t complete, I figure I can do one thing that doesn’t guarantee defeat. I can just try.

This isn’t a ‘New Year, New Me’ post. It always turns out being ‘New Year, Same Me’. It’s time to make small baby steps to ease into necessary improvements without the insane pressures of needing to do something drastic.

This year I am doing something I haven’t done and I’m optimistic that this will be helpful. ‘New Year, Improving Me. Gradually.’ I’m just going to take my time and go at the pace I’m comfortable with.

I have to stay in my lane.

This is the year to get reacquainted with oneself.

Here I am.

Trying.

Rollercoaster of Bullshit

Right now I am feeling everything and nothing. From rage to total detachment; I have no idea what I’m feeling or not. The confusion I experience with this is suffocating me tighter than if a snake was wrapping itself around my neck, squeezing until the lights go out. It sounds ridiculous, right? Now, imagine going through this on a regular basis- I mean, really, how does someone not know how they are feeling? What kind of mind fuckery is that?

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Credit: Akira Hojo

I am over all this up and down, rollercoaster of emotion bullshit, but these were the cards I was dealt and now I have to fucking deal with it.

There is no such thing as “normal”, I’m aware of that, yet it is something I crave. I want to be able to wake up and have an understanding for why it is I feel the way I feel. I want to be able to do something I love without being weighed down by the mass of dismay that keeps me shackled to a bed. I want to have a real reason for the darkness.

I hate this goddamn depression and all the additional problems that arise with it. To end this dismal post, I don’t believe in suicide. (note: no need to worry about me on that front). It’s not the answer for me, and it will never be, but I fucking understand it.

 

**If you need help, or if someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Lines are open 24 hours, every day, for free and confidential help.**

Cutting Corners Doesn’t Work

Not only did I cave with smoking cigarettes to the point I was on the verge of buying two packs a week, but my drinking had increased significantly, too. It’s annoying as hell because I know for a fact that a cigarette and a drink are just a quick fix to bigger issues and there are healthier ways to manage stress/depression/anxiety, so why do I continue to go back to the things that only hurt me in the long run?

I could dive in to the innumerable amount of information around the web, or in the books, and post a research paper on why, but I am going to keep this blunt: I am either too lazy or too mentally weak to continue in the effort to push through to do things in a healthier manner.

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Source: Jordan Whitfield

It gets to a point where I am sick and tired of all the work and I want my results when I want them with no more waiting. Truth of the matter is things don’t work that way. I know that from my own experiences and witnessing it happen with other people that I know.

I cannot continue to make these shameful excuses to help me sleep at night while I’m cutting corners. That being said, I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 48 hours, same with booze. I’m not perfect but as long as I make the effort I should be fine.

If you want something done correctly it takes time to do it right. It doesn’t matter if you’re building a house, becoming a doctor, working on your mental health, trying to lose weight or build muscle; things take time if you want it done correctly.

I need to learn more patience because all this haste is setting me back. Starting all over again, time after time, is worse than making gradual improvements, but that’s just me and those are my thoughts.

 

When it wants

The blue skies abruptly changed to a sorrowful gray, mirroring the darkness that’s consuming me in this moment*. I’m fighting back the hot tears that are determined to escape me; I don’t want to show weakness in front of strangers on this train. Bad enough I can’t stand when eyes are on me at any time, if I start the waterworks there will definitely be some concerned glances or people who just want to pry to see what’s making me upset.

It’s frustrating because I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Life isn’t perfect and can be problematic at times,

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Credit: Alexander Lam

but it isn’t as awful as it could be. There have been incidents in my life that have been awful and I’m not experiencing those things now. That is something I should be thankful for, always. In my logical thoughts I know it’s only the stress and the depression that’s making things appear to be darker in my world, it’s just so hard to ignore such a dark cloud hovering above that doesn’t seem to be passing by anytime soon.

I’m not sure what else to say in this post. All I want to put out there are these feelings that come and go. I have my good days/weeks and my bad. My depression comes and goes whenever it wants. I truthfully don’t see a permanent fix, but there are ways to manage it. I just wish I could better manage it when it hits me out of no where. Depression is serious and unpredictable. It doesn’t matter where you are, what you’re doing or who you’re with. It creeps up when it wants.

* This happened at the end of the week last week. I’m just now finding the time to post it. 

Website Frustration

 

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I created my website because I needed a place where I could share whatever is on my mind. What frustrates me about having a site is trying to figure out what fucking damn theme I like, how to set it up, what makedad-jokes-ughs it look good, but I can never stick with the decision I’ve made.

This isn’t much of a post, I’m just frustrated with my site right now. I don’t want to get rid of it, yet I don’t want to keep having to tweak it either. I am never satisfied with what I’ve chosen and I don’t know when I will be. All I want is to be able to write and post without having to worry about the look of my page.

My Sea of Gray

I had a draft I was working on for a couple days explaining how much my mental health had improved. I was beginning to feel genuine happiness again, which is something I hadn’t felt in many years. The walls I’ve put up for so long that prevented me from letting people see me had finally been dismantled, stone by stone that’s been held together by concrete.

I was functioning. I finally felt human.

I hate to say that I will not be posting that draft right now because I have found myself slipping back into the depths of my sea of gray. I call it my sea of gray because when I think of the color, I associate it with numbness. That is what I’m beginning to feel…

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(source: google/giphy)

When the numbness sets in, I become a recluse. I want nothing to do with anything. I simply exist. I feel there’s nothing in the world that’s remotely worth getting out of bed for. I know that’s not true. It just feels that way. That’s one of my worst feelings to experience. Next to the abrupt implosion within my chest that others like to call severe anxiety attacks.

A few months ago things had taken a turn. My depression and anxiety attacks had become a part of my daily life, again. I could barely function at work. It was ruining my relationships with my friends, family and my significant other. It was bad enough I was mentally drained, but throw insomnia into the mix and you have yourself a concoction of intolerable despair that not only can be damaging mentally, it creeps into the physical also. That may sound dramatic to some people, but it’s not when you’ve lived it.

I wish I could keep going and explain more on what I’m feeling and experiencing, but my mind keeps trailing off and I can’t focus anymore. I’ll have to come back and continue writing on this later. 

Frustrated.

I wish I could say that being busy has prevented me from writing/posting. Granted a lot has happened since the end of May up to now, but lately it has been difficult to write about anything. It’s been driving me crazy because there are plenty of things to write about.

Earlier this month I went to Europe for over a week, which was beautiful. My boyfriend and I exchanged our first ‘I love you’s’. Work has become worse (impossible, right? Not here it isn’t). My depression and anxiety has taken a drastic turn for the better since I have been taking my medication. There are so many other things I could sit here and discuss, but I can’t seem to be able to write it out the way I would like.

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…Right now I just froze up and stopped writing, now I have no words. This pisses me off so much. -_- 

Okay, rant over.