I wake up every morning dreading the fact I have to waste another day of my one and only life doing something I really don’t want to do. And I get it, that’s being an adult. As an adult you do things you don’t want to do, that’s the reality, but when is it time to say enough? When is it okay to walk away in order to make yourself happy?
I had to leave my office for a couple of minutes with my large coffee mug in hand to get a breath of fresh air before I lost my cool in the midst of the work chaos. While I stood outside by the brook sipping my hot, liquid obsession, my eyes painfully adjusted to the natural sunlight of the cool spring morning. Once the pain began to subside my eyes glanced around at my familiar surroundings, absorbing all the colorful beauty that nature had to offer. All that was missing was a blanket to lie on and a book to get lost in. It was that moment that hit me with a number of thoughts, yet only one notably stuck out.
“Why am I here wasting my time, allowing myself to be miserable? Why can’t you quit and do something meaningful with your time while you still can?
I have heard so many stories of people quitting their jobs to fulfil their dreams, or to do meaningful work, but I’m not them. In my mind, if I do that I see myself failing. In order to succeed you have to fail a few times, blah, blah, but I don’t have the time to fail. I do not have the money to protect myself in case of said failure. Do I have a fear of failure? Sure! Who wouldn’t be nervous about failing? But I need a plan. If there is no plan in place, I am in freak out mode. I wish I could quit right now, be confident in putting all my energy into writing and hope for the best, but hope isn’t enough.
Where do people get their faith to take that big leap and bet on themselves? I know there isn’t a single definitive answer, I just long for the moment I figure things out because life is too short to be this miserable.
Note: This was more of a freewriting exercise for my sanity. At least it’s hump day.