The Self-Conscious Writer

It doesn’t matter if I’m reading a book, reading fan fiction, blog posts, or observing writing partners develop their storylines through online role-play, I always seem to find myself inspired and jealous at the same time. It’s so immature of me to feel jealous of others and their talents, but when I read the amazing work some people do I only end up becoming harder on myself. I begin to think, ‘You’ve been writing for years and you’re nowhere near as talented as they are. Quit slacking and work.’ I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, we’re all in different stages of our writing, but I can’t help feeling frustrated with not being where I feel I should be by now.

What I can say is I’m glad I’ve improved in comparison to the writing I did five years ago. I was sifting through old documents on my laptop when I came across a file I couldn’t quite recall having. When I clicked it open and saw the first opening lines, I gasped and laughed of self embarrassment.

“I slowly opened my eyes. My vision might’ve been blurry, but when I looked around at my surroundings I knew exactly where I was. The IV drip, blaring sirens, monitors beeping, annoying the shit out of me. Yeah, I definitely recognized where I was. ”

cringe
(credit: gifimage.net)

Fucking. Cringe.

Of course I read all twenty pages and cringed through the entire thing, but I was also proud of that little horror show. It brought me back to when I first started putting the story together. To me, the ideas were solid, they just weren’t properly executed at the time. With the practice that I have had since then, I could take the story into a more exciting direction and polish it up real nice.

I may not be where I want to be right now, but after seeing how much I’ve improved from that old story, I just need to keep in mind that not only do things take time, but it takes a lot of practice and a lot of reading.

Also, I honestly couldn’t have improved from where I was if it wasn’t for my writing partners. They are some of the best writers I know and with some of that jealousy comes that inspiration I mentioned earlier. My partners help push me to be better. Not only by encouraging me to continue writing over the years, but their continued support of me in making my ideas become a reality. Sometimes I feel they have more faith in me and my writing than I do. I appreciate it more than they could ever know.

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